Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities

Cuzins say don't steal bees' honey

Editor’s Note: “Dear Cuzins” is an advice column written by cousins Chef Juandel, The Anglo Mariachi Cowboy and Bootlegger Sloan. Cousin Wendel checks for libel.

Deer Cuzins,

Wit awl dis taulk bout cexual herassmint an molestin lil girls ima fraid tu evin barehug uh womun long enugh tu envite em tu my shack beehine thu katfish pon tu woo em wit uh lil shine an squirral stewe.

If ah evin giv em a frendli patt on de reer dey run like ahma prevert fo ah kin evin tale em ah wasa jus tryin tu wen der han en holey mattressmoney.

Wun womun evin kalled me uh Kajun hillbillie jus cause I compliminted her chilebearin hipps.

Howsa yung 44-yer-ol katch like me sposed tu git uh wife if dey wont evin lemme git klose enugh tu complimint em?

Wit snow comin an my shack steel knot finnished ima gittin desparete tu fine me uh lil huney sew I dont hafta tu steel frum thu bees tu kepe warme.

U cuzins es mah last hope. I rote Deer Abee but she cent uh note bac dat she dont ancer phake leters.

Feelin Blu en de Byue

Billy “Bucktooth” Bodean

Mudbog, Luzianna

Dear Bucktooth,

Thank you for making the $19.99, including shipping and handling, we paid for Ph.D.s in spell-check from WordPerfect Vocational Institute worth the hefty tuition.

Bootlegger was shocked Dear Abby thought your letter was fake.

We agree you should never bear-hug a woman you’ve just met — unless you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver, she’s your ma or a grizzly is charging.

Dating has been challenging, sometimes costing an arm and a leg, since Neanderthals got out-competed by Homo sapiens wooing women with rhino shoes, bear coats and wolf-teeth necklaces.

For some reason, those Jimmy Choo-less ladies seemed to prefer trinkets and threads over clubbing.

After much contemplation — over Anglo’s doobies, Bootlegger’s whiskey and Chef’s munchies — about what advice even a caveman can understand, we decided to use a parable (fairy tale) about “Buck” and “Daisy.”

It’s OK for Buck to suggest a first-date dinner of squirrel stew, cherry pie and rhubarb moonshine — but he shouldn’t grope Daisy (or himself) while asking.

During dinner, he should ask questions instead of interrupting to mansplain and brag about boring crap.

If Daisy doesn’t want squirrel stew, Buck should let her order whatever she wants. If she agrees to try the stew, but doesn’t like it, he shouldn’t insist she finish it.

If she agrees to try cherry pie, but doesn’t like it, he shouldn’t grab it and finish it himself.

If she agrees to try rhubarb moonshine, but doesn’t like it, he shouldn't yell “Bottoms Up” and pressure her to down it.

When Daisy is ready to leave, Buck should drive her straight home. If she falls asleep, he shouldn’t stop at his shack so she can “sleep it off.”

At her house, he shouldn’t invite himself in for dessert.

Bucktooth, the cuzins are confident if you follow our suggestions your Neanderthal dental issues won’t prevent you from successfully wooing a legal Homo sapien to warm your shack without stealing the bees’ honey.

If we’re wrong, we suggest you visit Brokeback Mountain and try your hugging technique on a real bear.

Contact Wendel Sloan at: [email protected]