Don't worry - but just in case

Since my fourth deviated septum/sinus surgery is scheduled for this Thursday in Fort Worth, it seems like a good time to write my preferred obituary.

"After holding a blender too near his pacemaker, Wendel Sloan, 120, passed out for good yesterday at a Jimmy Buffett concert."

"The world's oldest parrothead still owed $500,000 on his $500,000 Lamborghini, $7 million on his $7 million mansion and $9 million on his $9 million yacht.

"His Rangers' World-Series-winning grand slam home-run baseball, Cowboys' Super-Bowl-winning TD-catch football, and Mavericks' NBA-Championship-winning three-point buzzer-beater basketball are all in halls of fame.

"Inducted into the Rock and Roll and Country Music Halls of Fame, he patented devices to reverse hurricanes during oil spills, then turn the oil into polyester chic.

"Divorced from three Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover models, he invented a car that runs on static electricity generated by polyester pants--turning 'Causal Fridays' into 'Casual M-F.'

"After accidentally discovering Obama's birth certificate during a Kenyan spelunking incident, he was invited to give the keynote address at the Republican Convention, but booed for wearing denim.

Later, while keynoting at the Democratic Convention, he was booed for wearing Gucci.

"Acquitted of jamming the Fair and Balanced signal, but convicted of cheating on a Ten Commandments test, friends believe he died to save them from his sarcasm.

"He is survived by Eve, the woman discovered after a rib graft during his fourth nose surgery."

Send get-well wishes to Wendel Sloan at [email protected].