Democracy grossly unfair

It’s spring again. Daffodils are sprouting, cranes are flying north, and you’re trying to sell one of your kids to pay for gas for your summer vacation.

Oh yeah, and city elections are also taking place, which doesn’t warrant a big applause, but any psychiatrist worth his sofa will tell you that we could use an end to the weeks of political rhetoric. Still, there’s an aspect of elections you should think about.

You see, the basic goal of these political shenanigans is to provide a level playing field for self-proclaimed leaders to expose themselves. So in the sunlight of impartiality, I recently spent a couple minutes analyzing our election system, and I found we take a licking when it comes down to “fairness.” Take England.

Studies of British monarchy, as found in that cornerstone of all scholarship, People magazine, show that most Limey kingdoms have been ruled by total wackos and dirtbags. It’s as though the power brokers looked around the duchies every few years and said, “Hey, we need a new king. Who’s the most messed up prince in the realm?”

Truth is, British aristocrats have historically had IQs and scruples so low they played off the keys. They raped the land and scourged the women, and if a new social disease broke out, they spread it. They married sisters, hanged mothers, imprisoned children and cut off the heads of countless kin, thereby fostering the trite British expression, “bad hair day.”

And yet, English monarchs are to this day notable examples of the highest aim of public selection — fairness. Simply put, they prove beyond a doubt that in their system even a blubbering idiot can grow up to become a king. We in America don’t even come close to pulling that off.

You see, in Britain the rankest cretin can wear the crown or sit in the House of Lords, regardless of the fact that he can’t find the flap on his long johns with both hands. All he has to prove is who the noble was who slept with his noble mother. Proof of the piddling lies with today’s current sovereigns who couldn’t fire up enough brain cells to be certified wood borers in a lumber yard.

But in our American democracy, it’s just the reverse. Only aggressive, ambitious, egotistical people get to be our leaders. Dummies and couch potatoes can’t get to first base, because they can’t find the loop. Call that fair?

Oh sure, we kid about our stupid politicians, but the truth is, we can’t stand muddle-headed leaders. Our democracy relies on individuals with specific high-toned attributes, such as inherited money, evil plots, wanton corruption, capped teeth and $100 haircuts. There’s no room for dumbbells and namby-pambies.

Hugo Haufstedder, renowned political scientist and author of the best seller, “So You Got Yourself Elected — Now What?” put it another way: “Democracy rejects turkeys. Monarchy crowns them.”

So you can see by my scholarly research that our city elections also contain the same unfair ingredients. Other celebrations are fairer, such as Groundhog Day (any rodent can be a groundhog), or the day commemorating Arthur Benson who, in 1939, used a fraternity paddle instead of golf clubs to shoot a 76 at the Denver Country Club.

I say we should put all those days in one pot so that candidates who see their shadows won’t give us two more months of lackluster speeches. If that doesn’t change enough stuff for you, go vote. That’ll shake them up at City Hall.

Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.