Hoping not to make choice of preferred nostril again

We are a society filled with daily choices.

Paper or plastic?

Table or booth?

Regular or decaf?

Red or green?

(For the record, my answer to all of these is, “It depends.” I like to make life as riddled with complications as possible.)

Given our obsession with options, however, perhaps it should not have caught me off guard when I reported to a doctor’s office a couple of weeks ago for a covid test and was offered a most unexpected choice.

(Also for the record, in case you’ve been lucky enough to dodge this bullet, covid tests are now part of the fun-filled package that takes place prior to many routine medical procedures.)

As I cowered in the chair and the nurse unwrapped the swab, she asked me, “Which nostril do you prefer?”

Which NOSTRIL did I prefer?

Do people have a preferred nostril?

I’ve always considered mine a team. I’ve never relied on one over the other. I mean, during a nasty cold or allergy attack, they sometimes don’t function equally, but I’ve never — I swear this to be true — never had a favorite.

Do some patients quickly answer, “Oh, my left. I only breathe from the right one?”

Or, “Right, please. The left one is vacationing this week?”

I appreciate choices in many areas of life. If it’s after 2 p.m., that cup of regular coffee will render me sleepless tonight, so decaf please, and thank you for asking.

But if you’re standing in front of me, twirling a nasopharyngeal swab that you’ll soon be plunging up near my brainstem, I don’t want to be faced with a choice of selecting a nostril.

In fact, and in hindsight, the correct answer is “neither.”

I prefer neither.

But if you’re talking a plate of sour cream chicken enchiladas, then green, please, and red for my tamales. And might I have a booth? I feel a nap coming on.

Betty Williamson (and her left nostril) were both happy to fail the covid test. Reach her at:

[email protected]