Only the Valentine's Day worst will do

Every store I stroll in is abound in red and pink and chocolate and teddy bears. I should know, because I’ve been going through them with a fine-toothed comb.

Every stuffed animal I’ve seen fits the bill. They’re all soft like a puppy that’s back from the groomers. They’re all cute like somebody was drawing a cartoon for PBS Kids. They’re all perfect, and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I can just hear you now: “Awwwwww, how cute. He’s looking for the perfect gift for that special someone, and indecision is driving him crazy.”

I’m looking for the bad one because of anti-tradition. That’s when you do the opposite of what you normally do on that holiday because it’s more fun that way.

That doesn’t mean you should expect me to go chopping down a tree on Arbor Day or fast on Thanksgiving. It’s just that a friend and I have some particular anti-traditions. We’ll find Chinese food on Christmas Day, and we’ll mark Valentine’s Day with the ugliest stuffed animal we can find.

The stakes were first raised a few years ago when Valentine’s Day fell on a Sunday and I was at home watching a basketball game. I was told to close my eyes, and when I opened them a pink horse was staring me in the face.

My friend laughed for a good five seconds before rhetorically boasting “Isn’t he the worst?” We named him Gary.

Now whenever somebody visits and sees Gary, they’ve got a pair of questions. Who bought you that? They bought it on purpose? Bonus question: Why is he called Gary?

We try to top Gary each year, and we’ve put in allowances that help us on that path. We’re allowed to find a Valentine’s gift a few days after the fact to take advantage of after-holiday clearances. They’re usually much easier to find because they’re so ugly the stores can’t even move them at 75 percent off.

The worse the animal is, the better the anti-tradition is. It’s exciting to find that stuffed animal that says, “I have no idea how I survived the pitch meeting.” It gets better when the clerk gives a look that says, “We stock this for what reason?”

But the best part is, without doubt, the final presentation. They A) wince at first sight, B) start laughing and C) look again until they’re done laughing from the first sight. The longer B is, the better you did at finding the worst stuffed animal.

Nothing has topped Gary, but I keep trying. So if you see me emerge from the clearance pile with something unsightly, just know I haven’t failed. I’ve succeeded at anti-tradition.

Kevin Wilson is managing editor for the Clovis office of The Eastern New Mexico News. Contact him at: [email protected]