Sloan: Dear friends, it's been a tough one

Wendel’s Christmas newsletter:

• January — I went skiing in Ruidoso for the first time since the Cold War. My skill had not gone downhill, but the Texans had.

Overheard: “W” was the best president since Harrison Ford; Trump has the smoking gun Obama used in a Kenyan training camp; Ted Cruz invented cruise missiles.

Wendel Sloan

• February — I received a Valentine’s Day card. It read:

“You are like the moon …The dark side.”

• March — Cannon Air Force Base watch-listed me because my kite broke away and passed two jets.

During spring break I got kicked out of the Muleshoe National Wildlife Refuge for shooting a video for Shark Tank in my “brokini” (two-piece bathing suit). The ranger said he’d seen bigger breasts in a bucket of chicken.

• April — After making 11 consecutive three-pointers in noon-time hoops, I heard from the Mavericks. My check for Dirk’s jersey had bounced.

Over 200 friends wished me happy birthday on Facebook — and I actually knew 17 of them.

• May — I was chastised for pairing the names Pardee-Hardee in a graduation headline.

• June — I offended an Asian couple in Portales by tossing peanuts after their wedding.

• July — My agent said he knew me too well to insure my house against “acts of God.”

• August — I was swimming in my brokini at the Clovis Aquatic Center when a lifeguard ordered me out of the gene pool.

• September — The lethargic labrador I am babysitting indefinitely ran away for three days and only made it two blocks. I found him by tracking his trail of black hair.

• October — I took my cousin Chef Juandel’s Juarez brownies to a Halloween party — then we ate all the candy before any trick-or-treaters showed up.

• November — Despite heroically saving some friends’ apartment from burning down in Lubbock on Thanksgiving, they refused to invite me back for Christmas because I started the fire.

• December — Since going vegetarian in March, I’ve lost 15 pounds — and am now 20 pounds underweight.

On Christmas Eve I’m hanging out with Santa Claus because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Contact Wendel Sloan at [email protected]