Facial hair aspirations may be in vain

link Kitsana Dounglomchan

During the air show at Cannon Air Force Base in May, there was a pilot that had one of the best mustaches I’d ever seen. He’s one of those guys that looks like he can grow a full beard overnight.

I even overheard a female officer tell him, “That has to be one of the most glorious mustaches I’ve ever seen.”

“Thanks,” he replied. “I know.”

I hope people will compliment me on my facial hair growing prowess one day.

But the odds are slim, and so is my mustache. I’ve tried numerous times during Mustache March and Movember to grow one, and I’ve failed each time.

I’ve decided now will be different; I’ve decided I will finally grow a mustache for good.

It’s been a lifetime goal to have a bushy, vibrant mustache like the Magnum P.I. star Tom Selleck had in the 1980s. He is the gold standard when it comes to facial hair.

But as I alluded to earlier, I grow a meager mustache. And to compound the problem, no facial hair grows in the center of it. It’s like I have the anti-Hitler mustache. I call this vacant part “The DMZ” because nothing dares to cross the line.

My wife can’t stand it either — she says it tickles her when we kiss. It doesn’t help that as I come in for a smooch I’ll occasionally dive my head down at the last moment so she can “kiss the stache.”

But in spite of these genetic and marital setbacks, I’ve decided to continue.

After 11 years in the military I’m going through a mid-career crisis, and I’m looking to make a change. I can’t wear a new uniform, the hair on the top of my head has to be a certain length, I already have two tattoos I regret, so my only option is to grow facial hair.

My father decided to grow a mustache 15 years ago, and he’s been rocking a sweet one ever since. I remember how much I hated it when he started growing it, but it’s now one of his defining physical characteristics.

He had to be patient when cultivating his mustache, much how a farmer must be patient with his budding crops. And I know I must do the same if I’m going to achieve my goal.

Kitsana Dounglomchan, an 11-year Air Force veteran, writes about his life and times for Clovis Media Inc. Contact him at:

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