Green Tea Party for bare essentials

Local columnist

If I decide to run against David Lansford and Sharon King for combined mayor of Clovis/Portales again, it will be on the resurrected Green Tea Party (GTP) ticket.

Our views do not strictly fit Republican or Democratic platforms, and the Tea, Libertarian and Communist parties are impractical.link Wendel Sloan

The Parrothead Party would work except I gave up my flip-flops after Buffett’s last mediocre CD.

GTP is fiscally conservative, and believes government should operate within a balanced budget.

Since one way to achieve this is to downsize our military to combat only realistic threats, while avoiding fiascos like Iraq, I know “America: Love It or Leave It” voters will call me a traitor (possibly a Muslim).

GTP supports able-bodied welfare and unemployment recipients working for their benefits — preferably while learning job skills.

Since it is too late to limit the number of firearms, we support the right of law-abiding citizens to own self-defense handguns and hunting rifles. Individuals do not need military-style weapons.

Although it is redundant, GTP supports lobotomies for idiots who open-carry rifles into public establishments. How do customers know they are not robbers or redneck terrorists?

Although voter fraud is almost non-existent, to placate the paranoid (or racists), we can accept citizens showing IDs as long as they are notified well in advance and given easy ways to obtain them.

Government has a role in preventing big corporations from poisoning the environment, predatory practices, unsafe food, etc. Small businesses should have as few regulations as possible.

On social issues, GTP is disgustingly conservative or liberal (depending on your definition). Government should stay out of marriage, medical/body issues and religion. In return, religious people should stop wanting government to favor their religion.

Our Green Tea Party headquarters will be inside the future Clovis Gentlemen’s Club — where we will strip our platform down to the bare essentials (including work visas for dancers, and government and self-anointed moral police staying out of nightclub decisions).

Contact Wendel Sloan at:

[email protected]