The Spouse Briefs: Real lessons learned from deployment

A few months ago my husband returned from a deployment, right before he left we found out a new baby was on the way. Three months of single parenting combined with intense morning sickness didn't make me feel any better about his impending departure. It was his job, he had to go and sometimes life is tough. The moment he walked out the door, I remember thinking to myself, time to make a survival list. I am now on the other side, he is home, the kids are still alive and morning sickness is over. While it was happening I learned a few lessons and my survival list has changed for his next deployment. Here are a few things from my list in no particular order…

• Feel free to use paper dinnerware whenever the mood strikes.
• Have Daddy order things online once a week or so for the little ones.
• Be firm on kids' bedtimes, you need some breathing space.
• If you use Skype you can talk with your husband while letting one of the kids IM him on another computer. It almost felt like we were together as a family while we talked and the kids giggled at their silly messages to Daddy.

w Eliminate as many household chores as you can in the morning and create a weekly routine for grocery shopping, filling water bottles and getting gas.

Now for the most serious issue I faced while he was gone, it was no fun making the sole decision about taking a kid to the ER and what to do with the other ones at 11:30 at night. The biggest lesson I learned wasn't about what to do on his next deployment but what to say to other moms or wives who have a spouse deployed. Just saying to someone "I'm here for whatever you need." is not specific enough. It is just like someone saying, "How are you doing?" They don't expect you to say anything but "Fine, how are you?" Those words need to mean more. They must show that we are not alone and that the offer of help is real. What we should say to each other is specifics: "If you get in a tight spot in the dead of night and need help, I will watch your kids." "Would you and the kids like to have a weekly play date?" "Can we have you guys over to dinner?" Or, "My husband and I know a lot about cars if something happens give us a call." Nothing makes a deployment easier then knowing for a fact that someone has thought of your needs specifically.

Rebecca Adling started life as an Air Force brat and is now enjoying life as a mother raising her own pile of adorable Air Force brats.