Buffet rules should be established

Give people a new communication tool, it changes the world. Make it accessible to everybody, and it changes the spelling.

We got an example last night, after the Senate defeated the "Buffett Rule." Named after Warren Buffett, it goes on the premise that millionaires can afford to pay higher taxes, and would receive a minimum 30 percent tax rate. How effective it would be is up for debate, but it was clearly an election-year vote to allow Democrats to paint Republicans as friends of the 1 percenters and allow Republicans to paint Democrats as punishing success. It's not the first such move, nor will it be the last.

But thanks to Twitter and no attention to detail, that's not what I'm talking about. People descended on the site using the hashtag #buffettrule to discuss the matter, but others (including a CNN account) ended up discussing the #buffetrule.

I've been to buffet restaurants before, good and bad, for almost every type of cuisine imaginable. It turns out there's no overarching buffet rule, but there are plenty of useful smaller ones.

These are what some old and new friends of mine came up with Monday night. See how many of these match up to your buffet rules.

• Every meal must have a price ending in 95.
• Any adult meal $9.95 or higher must include a steak option.
• Bland steak? Try some toppings from the salad bar.
• A fork and knife is standard fare; spoons are awarded on a case-by-case basis.
• Dessert before dinner is acceptable. Chocolate pudding is mandatory, regardless of food's ethnic roots.
• A place can either serve Coke or Pepsi products, but it must serve Dr Pepper in either case. A cherry-flavored soda of any variety indicates the place is classy.
• Wear dark clothing to cover stains.
• You're not required to get the same food as any sibling, significant other or child.
• A tour-bus parked in the front is a double-edged sword. Fresher food, but there's more competition.
• Pizza crusts, shrimp tails and bones deserve their own trash plate.
• Thank the person taking away the dishes. Every time.
• Visit during the last hour of operation at your own risk.
• Pizza buffets must have pepperoni, Hawaiian and supreme. Anything else, you've got to request it.
• No ice with the refill. The drink's cold when you get it, and ice only takes up space while watering down the drink.
• You can't stay for multiple meals, and it's not worth even trying.
• Only take what you're going to eat. People are starving elsewhere.
• Add a phrase to the end of your fortune cookie. You know what it is.
• Do not grab a fifth plate, and do not ask for a doggie bag.

Kevin Wilson is a columnist for Clovis Media Inc. He can be contacted at 763-3431, ext. 313, or by email:

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