Sept. 23, 2008

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• President Bush canceled an appearance at a waste facility in Alabama Thursday to monitor Wall Street. Who’s advising him? If he wants to keep tabs on the economy he should have gone to the waste facility, because trillions of dollars were just flushed.

• Bette Davis is on a new postage stamp honoring her role in All About Eve. It’s about an aging star battling to save her career while a younger woman schemes to replace her. It’s being remade with Amy Poehler as Hillary and Tina Fey as Sarah Palin.

• Sarah Palin’s staff spent hours last week with reporters shooting down all the nutty Internet rumors about her. She never said dinosaurs were lizards of Satan. Republicans believe as an article of faith that all fossil fuels come from God.

• Sarah Palin shocked the GOP establishment in California Friday by canceling sold-out fundraisers in Orange County and Santa Clara. It only works in California. This is the only state in the union where people won’t love you unless you reject them.

• The California Public Safety Commission banned train engineers from using cell phones after text messaging caused a wreck. Now it’s an election issue. Barack Obama called for more safety training and John McCain denied inventing the Blueberry.

• The Dead Sea Scrolls: Mysteries of the Ancient World is a history exhibit that went on display in a museum in Manhattan Thursday. It’s sponsored by AIG. Scholars have been struggling to decipher the documents, and that’s just the AIG balance sheet.

• New York’s Health Department said it gave out 40 million condoms in New York last year. People are outraged. If the Health Department knew what Wall Street was going to do to the taxpayers, they should have passed out forty million rape whistles.

• Wall Street roared back Thursday on news that the U.S. government might guarantee every bad mortgage in America. It’s great for the newspaper business. They can’t cut down trees fast enough for everyone who wants to advertise in the Bailout Section.

• Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke met with leaders of both parties to explain the Wall Street mess. The congressmen peppered them with questions. They all want to know how they can pass a pay raise for themselves in gold.

• President Bush handled the Wall Street situation deftly last week, preventing a huge market crash. The guy has sold out as far as comedians are concerned. He took an oath eight years ago he wouldn’t do anything right and now he’s reneged on it.

• John Edwards said Thursday he has canceled all public appearances until after the November election. He had a steamy affair with a campaign staffer. They once tried to fly United to Los Angeles, but the flight attendant kept pulling them apart before they could board.

• Paris Hilton lost two of her puppies to a coyote attack Wednesday. Wild animals frequently get into her backyard a block above Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood. Every time she runs out of vodka they leave the house and terrorize the neighborhood.

• Microsoft canceled its $300 million dollar ad campaign starring Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates after two weeks on the air. The ads dwelled on tight shoes and what it’s like to live with real people. Only Eve did more to sell people on an Apple.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at [email protected].