Trick-or-treating, generosity don’t mix

The Lady of the House is frustrated. She can’t find just the right things she needs to dress us up for a Halloween party.

“We could keep it simple,” I said. “We both tie on a box of corn flakes then stick a butcher knife in each box.”

“What kind of costume is that?” she asked.

“We’d be ‘cereal killers.’ Get it? ‘Cereal killers.’”

The Lady of the House raised one eyebrow, turned around and left me alone. It was then I got to thinking about Halloween.

I’ve never been good with Halloween costumes. I’ve often been misunderstood. Like that time I dressed up like a doctor and went to an All Hallows Eve soiree as “The Rock ‘n’ Roll Doctor” in honor of a rock song.

If you haven’t heard of the song you’re not alone; neither had the folks at the party.

“So, what are you tonight, a doctor?” someone would ask.

“I’m ‘The Rock ‘n’ Roll Doctor’ like the song,” I said with a cheesy smile.

“So you’re a doctor.”

That conversation would repeat itself throughout the night.

That experience taught me it’s good to dress as something either very recognizable, really outlandish or, like this elderly woman I knew, totally simple.

One Halloween I went to a large community bash with a family I knew. They brought along 92-year-old grandma. With her naturally big nose, lines and creases, all grandma had to do was throw on a witch’s pointy hat and long-sleeved black dress.

Grandma got the most attention that night. She looked so real.

We weren’t at the party long when a total stranger walked up to her. The young woman had obviously been enjoying a large amount of adult beverages. With a smile, she looked at the family witch and said, “I love your costume.”

Then she touched grandma’s nose, jumped back with a scrunched-up face and screamed, “SHE’S REAL.”

She dropped her drink and ran off into the night.

Grandma looked around at the family and shrugged her shoulders. She couldn’t hear much anyway.

Then there’s handing candy out to kids. I didn’t get the memo on how to pass out treats, but I learned first hand.

One Halloween I was left in charge of passing out the candy. The huge bowl was supposed to last all night.

I heard the kids coming up the walk so I got up to meet them. There was the knock on the door, I opened it and they yelled out, “Trick or treat.”

There they were in all their costumes with eager, beaming faces, holding out their sacks. I swung the bowl out and said, “Here, help yourself.”

A school of vicious piranhas devouring some poor critter had nothing on this pack of costumed kids.

“Hey, hey,” I yelled. Too late, I pulled the bowl back. One lone chocolate bar lingered in the bottom.

I looked up and watched the kids bounce off into the night. I closed the door and turned off the porch light.

I told my friends about my Halloween encounter with the little costumed piranhas.

“Dude,” one of my friends said, “you HAND out the candy, you don’t offer them the bowl.”

“But I thought they’d have manners,” I said. This was greeted with much laughter.

So let’s have a good Halloween. Pick a good costume, watch your candy and be nice.

Grant McGee hosts the weekday morning show on KTQM-FM in Clovis. Contact him at:

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