Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities

See screwed-up people as they are

My book-of-the-month summary for October is “Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People” by Elizabeth Brown (MJF Books, 2010 edition, 244 pages).

The book offers coping skills for those manipulated by screwed-up people (SUP) into getting dragged into and blamed for their problems.

SUP behaviors include blaming; refusing to consider other viewpoints; turning molehills into mountains; being self-absorbed and self-destructive; not open to reason; undependable; acting superior; causing conflict and chaos; never apologizing nor accepting responsibility.

Don’t rationalize an SUP’s behavior because of their childhood; feel responsible for their happiness nor fear they can’t make it without you; blame yourself for their behavior; expect them to appreciate you if you try harder; worry standing up to them will end your relationship.

It takes two to create a screwed-up relationship. Straddling the fence is a death sentence for your future with them.

Refuse to see yourself through the eyes of someone who only sees your faults. Express your needs and feelings. Set limits and boundaries. Face the truth. Base actions on love, not feeling obligated.

Understand SUPs believe what they want — they do not hear, listen nor follow logic.

No matter how you are treated, maintain the highest ethics, show maturity, support and encourage but stick to your boundaries, show sorrow instead of anger.

Feeling sorrow instead of hurt “turns angry fists into compassionate hands.” Turn the energy of anger into constructive action.

Victims are usually low-key people who never get visibly angry but are chronically depressed. Manipulators target victims with guilt, sarcasm and innuendos disguised as “just kidding.”

Respond to SUPs with phrases like: I appreciate what you said, but I haven’t found that to be correct; I am willing to talk about other options, but I won’t allow you to insult me; Sorry, but you misunderstood what I was saying; I had not thought of that; You may be right; It’s good you are investigating the options.

Communication is a combination of right words and sensitive acts.

Envision your SUP as handicapped. Don’t pound on their failures and weaknesses. Refocus your vision on their strengths.

You may be someone’s lifeline. If you focus only on their faults and failures, you will never see the good to encourage.

Don’t hold back from loving SUPs until you think they’ve earned it.

Don’t waste time trying to change “different” — appreciate it.

Sometimes people who act different are just being true to and standing up for themselves. Perceive people as they are — not how you want them to be.

Helping isn’t doing it for someone; it’s holding their hand while they do it. Communicate their choices and consequences belong to them, and you won’t be dragged down with them.

Sometimes “quitting is the only way to not quit.” You have to move on to fulfill your life with friends and family who appreciate you and want to be part of your life.

Change in the SUP is more likely when they recognize a change in the way you react.

It’s not the noise you make; it’s the love and encouragement you give that make your life matter.

Contact Wendel Sloan at: [email protected]