Sloan: I could pull off being president

Whether it’s Clinton’s email server, Trump’s huge hands, Johnson’s Alpo/Aleppo brain-freeze or Stein’s chug-a-mug name, voters seem disgruntled with Tuesday’s choices.

With strictly altruistic motives — like getting out of Portales — I offer myself as a write-in alternative.

Wendel Sloan

Win or lose, I promise not to call my opponents’ supporters “stupid” unless they post memes of me grabbing kittens. (I also won’t call them “clowns” unless they are scaring people.)

Let’s address the elephant in this zoo. I have groped a woman. It happened as an infant when my mom couldn’t afford store-bought milk.

My platform includes:

• Simplifying taxes. Only people earning more than me will pay them.

• Ending all wars — against countries with mostly white people.

• Providing free bulldozer service to tribal nations with piping problems.

• Supporting open trade between the Cowboys and Redskins for injury-prone quarterbacks.

• Keeping immigrants from taking jobs Americans want — so we will bribe more to come over to fill vacancies for dairies, farms, orchards, cooks, dishwashers, nannies, housekeepers, septic-tank cleaners and soccer teams.

• Creating more jobs for Americans by building walls--to keep immigrants from escaping back home.

• Supporting The Ten Commandments on public property — as long as we can add an eleventh: “Or, thou shalt just be a good person.”

As a Navy veteran who served time (in bars) on Guam and Thailand, I have experience in foreign affairs — but only recommend them for single sailors.

Pay-for-play will be completely transparent at The Sloan Foundation for Sloan’s Financial Foundation.

The FBI, journalists and partisan re-posters are encouraged to fact-check all my carefully Yelp-researched recommendations for cheap shoes, motels and restaurants (but not my past or policy statements).

Winning will require massive vote rigging — so please re-purpose those Trump and Clinton Halloween masks and vote often.

Everyone providing selfies of six or more ballots with “Wendel” spelled correctly will receive coupons for my cousin Chef Juandel’s taco trucks on every corner.

As president, my first executive order will be to change our national anthem to proudly reflect my history-making “Corrupt Wendel” administration.

I strongly advise keeping your hands in your pockets during “Take the Money and Run.”

Contact Wendel Sloan at

[email protected]