Wilson: You can have a million dollars, but...
I want a million dollars. But my Powerball chances aren’t that good. And my chances of a lucrative career in journalism? Well, let’s see that Powerball ticket again.
But there’s still imagination, or sometimes even a funny video. In a conversation I had with a friend, we discussed an awful scenario that we would
both take if the end result were a million dollars. I won’t share the scenario, but we could buy soap and mouthwash and we’d still have a balance of $999,990.
For some reason, I Googled the phrase and found a video series called, “A Million Dollars, But ...” And then suddenly, it was 1 a.m. and I was still on YouTube.
The comedy series is offensive, but hilarious. Three seated comedians give scenarios where you get a million dollars, but you have to live with something awful. Bonus laughs, because the scenario is enacted.
Here’s a highlight reel, with the offensive ones left out. You get a million dollars, BUT ...
• Every time you cut yourself, you lose a gallon and a half of blood. You quickly regenerate the lost blood, but you lose the full amount no matter how small the cut is.
• Whenever you see somebody you find attractive, you vomit a little bit.
• Any time you go to the bathroom, it’s live-streamed.
• You have a knife attached to your hand at all times.
• For five years, you can only wear shirts, sweaters and jackets that are three sizes too small.
• Every time you hear a dog bark, even if it’s somebody impersonating a dog or a dog bark on TV, you lose control of your ... bodily functions.
• Every time you hear the “Happy Birthday” song, you have to eat all of the cake you see.
• Whenever you see a kitchen sponge, you have to eat it.
• Everywhere you go, you are pushed in a baby stroller by a large, scantily-clad man.
• You also get the greatest dog in the world, but you have to take him out for walks and play with him daily ... and you’re the only person who can hear or see the dog.
• Every time you use an object, the object speaks to you and repeatedly says what it is. So if you put in earplugs, all you’ll hear is “earplugs ...”
• Before you buy anything, you have to lick every piece of money you use in the transaction.
I'll give it a go. If you think of any, please email them and I’ll tell you if I’d do it for a million dollars.
You get a million dollars, BUT ...
• You can’t have butter ... except for every Saturday, when butter is the only thing you can eat or drink.
• Every piece of furniture you own or will ever own is coated with the hard half of a Velcro strip.
• Any vehicle you drive, you must drive in reverse.
• Every time you see somebody in uniform, you have to address them while speaking Pig Latin.
• The only song you can listen to for the rest of your life is the Baja Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out?”
• You must answer every fifth phone call you receive, personal or business, at the top of your lungs.
I want a million dollars, but I’m not sure I want it that bad.
Kevin Wilson is managing editor of the Clovis News Journal. He can be contacted at 575-763-3431, or by email: