Wilson: No hypocrisy served here

Ring ... Thank you for calling Leviticus Pizza, how can I help you?

link Kevin Wilson

Congratulations, sir; we’d love to cater your wedding. Everybody says nobody would want a pizzeria-catered wedding, and it’s not even worth a public statement. But we love to help with any ceremony that honors the Lord our God.

The bride’s name? That’s an unusual name for a girl. You’re both men? Our transaction needs to end right here. We conduct our business by the book of Leviticus. And 18:22 says, “Thou shalt not lie with a man, as with a woman; it is abomination.” This state just passed a religious freedom law, so I have the right to exercise my religious beliefs and not serve you. I’m sorry you feel that way, but you have a nice day.

Ring ... Thank you for calling Leviticus Pizza, how can I help you?

Large pepperoni? I’m sorry, you’ll need to call another place. We conduct our business by the book of Leviticus. And 11:4-7 bars eating animals with a divided hoof that don’t chew cud. That means no pepperoni. No ham or bacon, either. Can I interest you in our pineapple-and-anchovy Hawaiian? Hello?

Ring ... Thank you for calling Leviticus Pizza, how can I help you?

Yes, sir, we are hiring. Have you done food service before? Excellent. Do you have reliable transportation? Great. Is your face well-groomed? No, we can’t have that here. We conduct our business by the book of Leviticus, and 19:27 forbids trimming your beard.

I’d love to invite you to my church to learn all about it, but me and the wife won’t be there for another few weeks. You see, she just gave birth to our first girl, and 12:5 says we can’t go to church until 66 days after the birth. We hope to see you there in a few months, and you have a nice day.

Ring ... Thank you for calling Leviticus Pizza, how can I help you?

Pizzas for your group event? We can handle that. What day do you want? Oh, a Super Bowl party? I’m sorry, but that game is on a Sunday. We conduct our business by the book of Leviticus, and 23:3 forbids working on the Sabbath. We’d be happy to make your pizzas on a Saturday; they reheat at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.

No pizza on a Super Bowl Sunday is ridiculous? With all respect, sir, you’re wrong. Ridiculous would be trumpeting one section in an Old Testament book while downplaying everything else in that same book as antiquated. We’d be obvious hypocrites, and so would everybody who’d send us money through a GoFundMe campaign.

We don’t serve hypocrisy here. Come to think of it, we don’t serve a lot of pizza, either.

Sorry to cut this short, but I’ve got a customer on the other line I’ll probably have to refuse. Doing the Lord’s work is exhausting.

Ring ... Thank you for calling Leviticus Pizza, how can I help you?

Kevin Wilson is a deputy editor for Clovis Media Inc. He can be contacted at 575-763-3431, ext. 318, or by email:

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