Greetings: Wendel's Christmas newsletter

Local columnist

link Wendel Sloan

Apparently, Christmas newsletters are for bragging. Since my accomplishments have been negligible, mine may not qualify.

In January, my great-nephew whipped me in basketball. It was inevitable, but I didn’t expect it to be on a three-foot foam goal after he’d just turned 18 (months). In my defense, he was 26 inches at birth.

In February, cousin Chef Juandel’s cookbook, “The Only Difference Between a Pig and a Texas Liberal Is Pigs Get Invited to Dinner,” was self-published at Kinkos. So far, Chef has sold 13 copies — including 12 I bought for the liberals in my east Texas hometown, and one by a Muleshoe pig farmer who claims his prize porker reads at third-grade level (based on STAAR testing).

In March, my lawn furniture got sucked into a dustnado and Cannon Air Force Base scrambled jets.

In April, 200 Facebook friends wished me happy birthday, and I actually knew 17 of them.

In May, a rib graft was taken to rebuild my septum. Now I know why Eve is considered such a little @#$%&.

In June, I vacationed in Arkansas, but was arrested for removing the “N” from “NOBAMA” bumper stickers.

In July, despite claiming the top was a back brace, I was arrested in South Padre for wearing a two-piece bathing suit.

In August, I watched my dog run away for two days on the High Plains. When the dog catcher returned him, he said “Django” claimed I only fed him Old Roy.

In September, I set 30 personal records for most consecutive days alive.

In October, I went as Michelle Obama to the Curry County Republican Halloween Fundraiser — and had to use Obamacare afterward.

In November, my cousins The Anglo Mariachi Cowboy, Bootlegger Sloan and Chef Juandel brought mescal, moonshine and brownies from Juarez to Portales for Thanksgiving. Although the Cowboys lost, we didn’t care.

This December, my reserve unit, “The War Against Christmas Indifferent Militia,” surrendered after being out-flanked by Santas, bell-ringers and carolers while we were Christmas shopping.

Merry Christmas!

Contact: Wendel Sloan at [email protected]