More things for me to fail at in 2014

In 2013 I only kept one of my 10 New Year’s resolutions — to stop being civil and dive head-first into mud-wrestling with truculent (quick to argue or fight) people.

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Not only was it a great stress-reliever, but it did wonders for my complexion.

With a .100 batting average, I hesitate to step up to the plate again (unless it’s a pie plate). But on the outside chance it may inspire some poor college graduate twisting in limbo while slinging pretzel burgers, here are my 2014 resolutions:

1. Stop shopping at Wal-Mart — after church on Sundays.

2. When co-workers bring kids to the office with ordering forms, improve my diving-under-the-desk time.

3. When someone intimates I am going to hell, tell them it would be a welcome respite.

4. When someone makes sophomoric jokes about others’ physical characteristics, hand them a mirror and tell them to practice.

5. When friends tell me about themselves, listen for at least 30 seconds before turning the conversation to me.

6. After asking friends questions, pay attention to at least 25 percent of what they say before reverting to my real motivation — answering the questions about myself.

7. After two-minute warnings of Cowboys games, switch to PBS.

8. Bet patronizing young whippersnappers $10,000 (which they don’t have) I can beat them in a best-of-10 at: chess, Words with Friends, tennis, 100-yard dash, one-on-one pass coverage, three-point shooting, shagging fly balls, ping-pong, hula-hooping, fairway-putting.

9. When former residents of small towns living in cities email me about how backward we are, thank them for motivating me to write (about them).

10. Create an icon for “smirk” to punctuate “dumbfounded” and its derivatives for those who irk (and a different icon for “jerk”).

I’m pretty cocky my 2014 batting average will make me an all-star.

For inspiration in making your resolutions, crank up Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It.”

Contact Wendel Sloan at:

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