Inventions target aging cowgirls

Have you been receiving “special offers” for hearing testing and hearing aids in the mail lately? I sure have, and that’s not all. I’m getting offers for long-term care and life insurance for myself and my animals along with special equipment for arthritic hands and fingers.

I wonder if those marketers are targeting those of us past age 50 and, if so, how did they find out our ages. I’m sure they’ve decided we all have hearing problems from our modern noisy world, especially the concerts by groups who know only one volume — extra loud.

I think maybe they’re onto something. Since I seem to be a member of the target audience (read possible buyers) I’m thinking I could participate long enough to get a handle on their salesmanship methods, and then go into business for myself.

My plan is to gather the tools and equipment older folks could use so I can offer them for sale.

Special equipment for gals:

• Saddle with the mounting-side stirrup rigged so it lowers automatically and then after you’re mounted it raises itself up to riding length.

• Special wire pliers for fence fixing featuring a little battery-operated motor that, after you’ve grabbed onto the wire, gives it a big twist. Voila! An effortless “nester” hitch that will hold the kink in the wire at least a week.

• Audio books about interesting cowboys for listening while checking out water gaps.

• Automatic cow milkers like dairies have, with the milk piped into the house straight into the cream separator.

• Hearing aids, of course ... can’t forget that.

Special offers for guys:

• Automatic trailer hitch. It beeps while you’re backing the pickup toward it — two beeps for veer right, one beep for veer left, solid tone when you’re straight. When the pickup ball or other type hitch bumps into the trailer hitch it automatically clamps shut. The safety chains even fly into place!

• A water gap that actually works — puts itself back in place after your upstream neighbor’s rain washes it out.

• A cow dog that actually pays attention and minds when told to “go get ‘em” or “come back to me.”

• Fancy schmancy hearing aids that don’t show but can still be removed by stiff fingers.

• A rope with sensors built into the part where you make the loop. It zeroes in on anything moving fast and catches it. The user would need to be careful with this one…like don’t throw a loop at a deer or bear…you’d probably catch it.

• A gate opener/closer. This one is a bit more difficult to design, so I’ve decided to offer my coup de grace — a young, pretty, agile cowgirl. If a guy had that he wouldn’t need to worry about his hearing or whether he needed life insurance. Plus his long-term care would be no problem at all.

The only possible hangup could be money to continue paying for all this stuff. By then I will have followed the Wall Street paradigm and disappeared.