Open mouth ruins marriage bliss

I know better than to call them like I see them, especially when it involves a purchase my wife has just made. But I’m stupid and I did it anyway.

As I inspected what appeared to be some type of new wardrobe accessory my wife had left on the counter, I made the mistake of asking why she had purchased a purple bowling ball bag.

“It’s a new purse you idiot,” she exclaimed as she threw a kitchen knife in my direction.

“It actually looks like it might hold two bowling balls,” I said as I deftly removed the knife from my thigh and flung it back at her.

“It’s bright but not as bright as the orange one you bought earlier in the summer.

“I liked the color,” she said, catching the knife like a Ninja Turtle as it went past.

It’s happened at least twice a year for every one of our 27 married years — we have to have a summer purse and a winter purse.

Occasionally we’ll have to have even more than two and old purses from the closet get mixed into the rotation.

Most married guys know their wife’s new purse purchase is either made because it will be matching an outfit the better half just got or it will spur the purchase of a new outfit or shoes.

In my wife’s case, the orange purse bought in the spring matched a new outfit and the purple purse drove the purchase of a pair of purple shoes to match and, well, the other pair of flats was on sale and just looked good on her.

I guess I shouldn’t complain about a bigger purse because she’s had a few purses recently that just weren’t quite big enough. A handbag big enough to rake an entire buffet line at Furr’s Cafeteria into isn’t much of a packing challenge though. Instead, it’s a challenge when she starts trying to find something inside there.

I’m not about to take inventory of what’s in that purple purse for the purposes of this column, I just know there’s a lot of stuff in there. There may be weapons or mace or something in there that could be used on me if I go into too much detail.

Myself, I keep things simple. I get a new wallet about every three years or so by putting it on my Christmas list. I’ve never gone in for designer colors, just brown or black. The wallet I’m carrying now is about three years old and perhaps the most style conscious billfold I’ve every carried. Alas, the jumping bass embossed on the front is starting to wear and fade from sight. The card pockets are split out and it needs replacement.

If I choose to even the score with my wife, all that’s really left to decide is should I buy a new wallet as an accessory or buy matching shoes after I get the wallet.