Nov. 7, 2008

OKLAHOMA CITY--God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Barack Obama was elected president of the United States on Tuesday. It was one for the history books. The Republicans feel the same way the British felt after Yorktown, thanks to some idiot named George on the throne they lost the entire country.

• Barack Obama delivered an eloquent victory speech Tuesday at Chicago’s Grant Park. It drew 125,000 men and women to the park that night. Everybody is sick and tired of trying to find the right person on the Internet.

• Newsweek reported Sarah Palin once emerged from a hotel shower wearing a towel to meet with two male campaign staffers. No big deal. She’d paid $3,000 for that towel at Neiman Marcus and she wanted to get a little wear out of it.

• Barack Obama reportedly asked U.S. Congressman Rahm Emanuel of Illinois to serve as his White House Chief of Staff on Wednesday. Critics say that if they work together, Chicago will rule the world. It can only mean one thing, Prohibition is finished.

• Oprah Winfrey revealed to reporters after the election Wednesday that she got racist phone calls when she refused to invite Sarah Palin on her show. It’s her own fault. She really shouldn’t be giving out her home phone number to guys she meets on the Internet.

• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Wednesday to pass the change she says the voters want at a deliberate pace. Everyone’s looking for change. The only lines longer than the ones at the polls are the lines at the machines where people cash in their pennies.

• President Bush offered his full cooperation with Barack Obama Wednesday during the transition period. He doesn’t want step down on a sour note. When Bill Clinton left office he wasn’t allowed to join Pebble Beach Golf Club, and it’s a public course.

• Barack Obama led the Democrats to huge gains in both the House and the U.S. Senate Tuesday. It looks like he’s already free of one campaign promise. Barack Obama doesn’t have to reach across the aisle to Republicans if there’s nobody sitting there.

• Newt Gingrich was urged to be the next GOP Chairman Wednesday. He left his first wife for his second wife then left her for his intern, resulting in his resignation as House Speaker. With the Clintons out of the picture, the adultery vote is there for the taking by Republicans, and it’s easily spun into a matter of personal liberty.

• John McCain lost Tuesday, four years after fellow Vietnam vet John Kerry lost, four years after Vietnam vet Al Gore lost. These guys can’t win anything. It’s why Vietnam vets get free flights to Vegas and free hotel rooms, compliments of the house.

• The Automobile Club reported that gasoline prices at the pump dipped below $2 a gallon for the first time in over a year. It’s a good start. The first sign of economic recovery is when Americans can afford to drive the cars they live in.

• Century City lawyer Henry Bushkin began shopping a tell-all book to publishers Monday about his client Johnny Carson’s personal secrets. It’s very revealing. You can tell by who’s looking for book deals who got killed in the stock market last month.

• Exxon Mobil reported another record quarterly profit Wednesday, posting $15 billion in earnings. They don’t waste a drop. Last week an oil pipeline leak in Alaska was spotted when a helicopter pilot noticed a herd of SUVs licking at the snow.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at [email protected].