Sept. 5, 2008

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• Sarah Palin spoke at the GOP convention Wednesday amid partisan fever and tabloid frenzy over her family life. Every day it’s a new revelation. It’s hard to believe that after 16 years Hillary Clinton’s been replaced by a younger, sexier lightning rod.

• Sarah Palin made the cover of People and Us magazines Wednesday, which terrified the Democrats. Barack Obama just realized Americans have elected their last four presidents for their entertainment value. He just enrolled Joe Biden in clown college.

• Sarah Palin was cheered at the GOP convention Wednesday. Her husband, her five kids, her pregnant daughter and the teen father were all there. They were guarded by the Secret Service despite the family’s well-known aversion to using any protection.

• Sarah Palin’s Assembly of God pastor became a campaign issue on Sunday. He was taped preaching that critics of President Bush will go directly to hell. It’s so cold in Alaska that his congregation rose as one and praised the name of Michael Moore.

• Florida Congressman Robert Wexler called Sarah Palin a Nazi sympathizer Monday as Madonna was comparing John McCain to Hitler. Republicans are livid. There’s no greater insult to the traditional values crowd than to compare them to a Broadway musical.

• The GOP convention in St. Paul Tuesday focused on John McCain’s life and his lifetime of service to the nation. His Vietnam War experience left him unalterably opposed to torture. It’s why he refuses to watch videotape of himself giving speeches.

• New Orleans evacuated two hundred thousand people before Hurricane Gustav made landfall Monday. Forty thousand extremely well-armed homeowners remained in the city. Thanks to all the preparation, the price of methamphetamine held at $10 a rock.

• President Bush brought a ton of federal money to Louisiana Wednesday for storm victims. He’s a man on a mission. President Bush’s goal is to become so popular by Election Day that Barack Obama is reminding audiences that his father was a bushman.

• Dick Cheney showed up in Azerbaijan and Ukraine Thursday. He wanted the former Soviet republics to know the U.S. stands with them in their conflict with Russia. Dick Cheney only has four months left in office and he wants his last war to be a good one.

• Abu Dhabi’s royal family said Thursday their sovereign wealth fund is going to spend a billion dollars producing Hollywood movies. Don’t ask what’s in store for them. Let us just say it’s fortunate they pray on their knees and not on their chairs.

• Rap music mogul Sean Combs said Tuesday that jet fuel is so expensive he’s had to ground his private jet and fly commercial. More and more celebrities are having to fly commercial. Mackenzie Phillips could give him some good tips on what not to pack.

• America’s Research Group said Monday that traditional back-to-school clothing sales were a bust for retailers last week. The back-to-school sales are bound to pick up after the GOP convention. All the girls are going to need maternity clothes.

• The New York Post and the New York Daily News were camped out in Alaska Monday gathering every bit of gossip about Sarah Palin they can find. There’s so much to cover. Right now Alex Rodriguez could date an underage stripper, bulk up on steroids and assassinate his bookie and no one in New York would hear about it for eight years.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at [email protected].