Aug. 13, 2008

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• John Edwards said Friday he didn’t commit adultery until he was sure his wife’s cancer was in remission. It made headlines worldwide. One day history will record that World War III began when Russia invaded Georgia and nobody noticed for three days.

• Brett Favre drew 4,000 fans Sunday to his first New York Jets training camp practice. He obeyed the team rule and ran a penalty lap after he made one mistake. This must be how President Bush hurt his knee halfway through his first term.

• President Bush issued a warning from the Rose Garden Monday telling the Russians to leave Georgia. The Georgians have three huge oil ports and a government that’s friendly to the West. We must fight to defend that country or Ed Begley will have won.

• Barack Obama released a statement from Hawaii Monday after he was chased down by reporters for reaction to the Russian Army’s invasion of Georgia. Obama has been accused of acting like he’s the president. Sure enough, when the crisis hit he was on vacation.

• Barack Obama ran a new ad Monday describing John McCain as a celebrity. It had to be careful. You can’t put John McCain in an ad with Paris or Britney without a disclaimer saying that you should ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to have sex.

• Blender magazine’s September issue published a list of John McCain and Barack Obama’s favorite songs and singers. There are no surprises. It’s only right that John McCain likes listening to country western, he’s older than most western countries.

• Paddy Harrington won the PGA in Detroit Sunday when weather forced the golfers to play thirty-six holes the last day. Detroit automakers loved it. Each golfer came crawling up the 36th fairway calling out for his Buick like it was water.

• Cal Berkeley scientists invented a first-ever invisibility device for the Army Monday that bends light around objects. The technology makes things invisible to the naked eye. With a little refinement it could be the answer to our obesity epidemic.

• The White House hinted at a new round of economic stimulus checks Sunday. Hold on. With adultery in the news and Paris Hilton giving energy policy in a bikini, this country is so stimulated that the U.N. just called on Americans to give up sugar.

• Hillary Clinton backers said Monday they want an open convention, a roll-call vote, and a superdelegate recount. After that they say whoever wins, wins. The whole thing’s a plot to try to get a photo of Michelle Obama carrying a machine gun for real.

• The Democratic Convention planners decided Monday to allow vendors to sell any souvenir or food. Expect a painting of John Edwards, Jesse Jackson, Eliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton sitting at a card table. It’s the latest depiction of Four Dogs Playing Poker.

• John Edwards’s mistress Rielle Hunter was revealed Friday to have been a disco party girl decades ago. That’s why the Enquirer followed him. No one bought John Edwards’s initial story that he slept with a cokehead because it’s on his bucket list.

• John Edwards said Friday he cheated on his wife while she was fighting illness to travel and campaign for him. Women were appalled nationwide. There’s no telling how many marriages may have been saved by the realization that there’s worse out there.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at [email protected].