Resolutions to make roads, bathrooms safer

Ryn Gargulinski: Freedom Newspapers

TUCUMCARI — While collecting New Year’s resolutions around town in honor of a new beginning for the next 12 months — or 12 days, depending on how long the resolutions last, I hit on a cow-pie mine. Not only did I uncover the fascinatingly unprintable, but I also came across some specific to Tucumcari.

Like adults who resolved to conserve water, the 3-year-old who promised not to spend any more afternoons climbing into our goat pen and folks of all ages who vowed not to let the bile rise in their throats when it takes 47 minutes and 23 seconds to purchase a single cup of coffee (they said, instead, they would just be grateful they’re not forced to drink Starbucks).

A fine array of gender-specific resolutions also arose — some common, others unheard of — but all guaranteed to make couples happier, not snappier, in the upcoming months.

Townsfolk said the men should resolve to wipe their feet before they step on a freshly vacuumed floor, wear overalls no more than seven times in a row before washing and refrain from spitting chew juice on the living room carpet.

They should also learn to put the toilet seat down — a practice, or lack thereof, that can be traced back to ancient Rome. Bones were found in cisterns anthropologists agreed were used as toilets.

Yes, leaving the seat up is not only grotesque, but it is downright dangerous. Many spines have been nearly shattered when the unsuspecting go to sit down, only to plummet bottom first into a cold bowl of toilet water.

A couple of other male resolutions include not leaving all the lights on for no apparent reason and shutting off the TV once in a while. Sure, folks fessed up that a few females tune in and tune out, too, but the word overall is men get hooked on TV as frequently as women get hooked on shoes. In fact, I count up the number of viewing hours my boyfriend amasses each week, and I know when it hits 62 it’s time for a new pair of boots. I’ve got about eight pair in the last six months.

On the razor’s edge, there were a few resolutions about shaving — like it should be done at least every other day unless one is attempting to grow a beard. Some folks also said they would like to see more handlebar mustaches, 1970s sideburns and really weird goatees (or at least that’s what I’d like to see).

The women, on the other hand, were given resolution suggestions that included not freaking out when men don’t wipe their feet before they step on a freshly vacuumed floor (just hand him the vacuum), wearing overalls no more than seven times in a row before washing and to stop trying to be superhuman — a trait I am convinced all women got from my mother.

Some women should also vow not tobe the ultimate caretaker and instead spend some time taking care of themselves. Adding hot baths and leisurely strolls were on their agenda, as were earplugs, eye pillows and frequent naps.

Females also were resolving to learn to live independently and freely, not to rely on others when others sometimes cannot come through. Yes, some strong and beautiful women are already on to this practice, and it should be an option any woman can enjoy. This is not to say all ladies should run out and leave their beaus, but they should be able to jaunt off to Mexico and live on the beach with no problem if the urge doth arise.

Not to be making it up, a few of the female resolutions included the art of face and toenail painting — like not to do it when they’re driving. This practice, too, has its origins in the days of the Roman Empire. Those same anthropologists who examined bones in the toilet bowl cisterns found wheels made of stone that were heavily dented, as if the vehicle to which they were attached had careened out of control. They found berry juice, once used as lipstick, near those dented wheels.

In honor of the mighty female, all stores in Tucumcari should also resolve to carry burgundy hair dye, as I am weary of trekking 117 miles just to get a color a little more eccentric than medium brown No. 22.

Not only will these resolutions serve to improve self esteem, bubble bath sales and the cleanliness of overalls and indoor carpet, but they will also make the roads — and the bathroom — a safer place for all to be.