Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities
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I have a friend whose children are old enough now to strike fear into the hearts of their mother, as she dreads the coming transformation from adorable kid to hulking, hairy creature from the black lagoon. Since my kids are already well into this transition, Barb views our family like a big, messy science experiment, peering at us as if we were all in a petrie dish, to see what she can learn to prevent future similar disasters in her house. I have explained to her that these years are exactly like high school football Hell...
I have a friend whose children are old enough now to strike fear into the hearts of their mother, as she dreads the coming transformation from adorable kid to hulking, hairy creature from the black lagoon. Since my kids are already well into this transition, Barb views our family like a big, messy science experiment, peering at us as if we were all in a petrie dish, to see what she can learn to prevent future similar disasters in her house. I have explained to her that these years are exactly like high school football Hell...
I am planning to run for Supreme Ruler of Earth, as soon as I get a spare minute. In case you don't know, the Supreme Ruler gets to do whatever she wants and make the rules for everyone else. Everyone kisses your backside and laughs at your jokes. Sort of like running a movie studio or being a CEO. I'm already starting to compile my list of people who would be exiled permanently from Earth after I take over. We could use one of those retired space shuttles to ship them off to a galaxy far, far away. Or maybe just send them...
I am planning to run for Supreme Ruler of Earth, as soon as I get a spare minute. In case you don't know, the Supreme Ruler gets to do whatever she wants and make the rules for everyone else. Everyone kisses your backside and laughs at your jokes. Sort of like running a movie studio or being a CEO. I'm already starting to compile my list of people who would be exiled permanently from Earth after I take over. We could use one of those retired space shuttles to ship them off to a galaxy far, far away. Or maybe just send them...
Life would have been easier if I had known these things before I had children: 1. It's pointless to buy nice furniture It's so much easier to just get cheap stuff than to spend your life hollering and frantically running around trying to clean up messes. My children are active _ OK rambunctious _ and the list of damage over the years has been extensive. One couch even suffered a broken back from a boy who kept leaping over it like Superman. My living room couch and chair right now are quite nice looking, even though I bought...
Life would have been easier if I had known these things before I had children: 1. It's pointless to buy nice furniture It's so much easier to just get cheap stuff than to spend your life hollering and frantically running around trying to clean up messes. My children are active _ OK rambunctious _ and the list of damage over the years has been extensive. One couch even suffered a broken back from a boy who kept leaping over it like Superman. My living room couch and chair right now are quite nice looking, even though I bought...
If my kids were cast into an episode of the TV show "Lost," they would have to stay that way. Forever. This is because I have a very firm rule in my house: I do not look for kid stuff. Period. Exclamation point. End of paragraph. Some people think this one is among the strangest of my depraved parenting habits. After all, what parent hasn't enjoyed spending 197 minutes of their lives they'll never get back frantically looking for one missing baseball cleat on the morning of the Big Game? Answer: Me. Frumpy Mom does not hunt...
If my kids were cast into an episode of the TV show "Lost," they would have to stay that way. Forever. This is because I have a very firm rule in my house: I do not look for kid stuff. Period. Exclamation point. End of paragraph. Some people think this one is among the strangest of my depraved parenting habits. After all, what parent hasn't enjoyed spending 197 minutes of their lives they'll never get back frantically looking for one missing baseball cleat on the morning of the Big Game? Answer: Me. Frumpy Mom does not hunt...
There seems to be some sort of fundamental misunderstanding around my house, in which my children perceive me as being hideously old-fashioned and, in fact, just plain old. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am a very groovy, hip and with-it chick. I love to sit around and have a far-out time rapping with my friends. We all have a gas. I can dance YMCA to the Village People. I can do the frug. I can still stay up past 9 p.m. Well, unless I need to crash early so I can book it to a groovy happening the next day. I...
There seems to be some sort of fundamental misunderstanding around my house, in which my children perceive me as being hideously old-fashioned and, in fact, just plain old. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am a very groovy, hip and with-it chick. I love to sit around and have a far-out time rapping with my friends. We all have a gas. I can dance YMCA to the Village People. I can do the frug. I can still stay up past 9 p.m. Well, unless I need to crash early so I can book it to a groovy happening the next day. I...
Seriously, you people have been mulling this over. Last week, I wrote a column describing my plans to get revenge on my kids when I'm a doddering old lady living in their house, for all the things they do now that set my teeth on edge. For example, I plan to drink all the milk in their fridge, then put the empty milk carton back in, but not until I've spent five minutes staring into the refrigerator with the door open. Then I plan to get my newly washed clothes out of the dryer and throw them into my dirty clothes hamper,...
Seriously, you people have been mulling this over. Last week, I wrote a column describing my plans to get revenge on my kids when I'm a doddering old lady living in their house, for all the things they do now that set my teeth on edge. For example, I plan to drink all the milk in their fridge, then put the empty milk carton back in, but not until I've spent five minutes staring into the refrigerator with the door open. Then I plan to get my newly washed clothes out of the dryer and throw them into my dirty clothes hamper,...
Late at night, I like to gather my children around me and tell them stories from the old days, back when guys wore belts to hold up their pants. I have to explain the concept of belts, of course, and that pants also used to fit around the waist, which prevented them from sliding down guys' hips until they reached the earth's volcanic core. Nowadays, as our 11-year-old friend Nico explains, boys must keep their hands in their pockets at all times to hold up their pants, since they are no longer fitted and belts can be found...
It's nice to know that we can walk into any mall these days and outfit Curly Girl for her future career as a prostitute. Maybe she'll meet Hugh Grant while she's trolling the streets. Maybe she'll be a stripper or a call girl who meets a nice married governor from Back East. What the heck, she's only 12, she's got a year or two to decide. And, when she does, every girl's clothing department in America wants to provide her wardrobe. I know this because we peruse the racks together. Need a black lace bustier designed to hold...
It's nice to know that we can walk into any mall these days and outfit Curly Girl for her future career as a prostitute. Maybe she'll meet Hugh Grant while she's trolling the streets. Maybe she'll be a stripper or a call girl who meets a nice married governor from Back East. What the heck, she's only 12, she's got a year or two to decide. And, when she does, every girl's clothing department in America wants to provide her wardrobe. I know this because we peruse the racks together. Need a black lace bustier designed to hold...
Late at night, I like to gather my children around me and tell them stories from the old days, back when guys wore belts to hold up their pants. I have to explain the concept of belts, of course, and that pants also used to fit around the waist, which prevented them from sliding down guys' hips until they reached the earth's volcanic core. Nowadays, as our 11-year-old friend Nico explains, boys must keep their hands in their pockets at all times to hold up their pants, since they are no longer fitted and belts can be found...
Occasionally, people will pick up my column in the mistaken belief they are going to become informed about how to raise children. But, really, no one would come to me for parenting advice unless they'd been drinking heavily. As writer Lori Borgman wrote in her book, "I was a better mother before I had kids." I will tell you a true story illustrating this point, but I come off badly in it, so please keep it to yourself. When Cheetah Boy and Curly Girl came to live with me as foster children eight years ago, I knew nothing...
Occasionally, people will pick up my column in the mistaken belief they are going to become informed about how to raise children. But, really, no one would come to me for parenting advice unless they'd been drinking heavily. As writer Lori Borgman wrote in her book, "I was a better mother before I had kids." I will tell you a true story illustrating this point, but I come off badly in it, so please keep it to yourself. When Cheetah Boy and Curly Girl came to live with me as foster children eight years ago, I knew nothing...
