Serving Clovis, Portales and the Surrounding Communities

Well... I thought it was humorous

As part two of a three-part retrospective of eight years of column writing, here are excerpts of a few of my attempts at humor:

• “I forgot my twin sister’s birthday.”

• “The greatest fiction I’ve ever written is my resume.”

• “Ever since Ruth left me I’ve been ruthless.”

• “I know gay couples make you uneasy, but wouldn’t you be better off with a good man who can cook than any of your previous wives?”

• “I tried smelling the roses, but they scratched my nose.”

• “A realistic Valentine card: ‘You Make My Heart Race — Every Time I Think About That Lobster You Ordered.’”

• “What would I do for a Klondike bar? Give up Lent.”

• “Did your militia award you that purple heart for the can-opener incident?”

• “I think marijuana should be legalized — but only as a seasoning.”

• “I love mankind, but not people.”

• “I tried Rogaine, but it only worked in my armpits.”

• “I’ve seen better potlucks in a soup kitchen.”

• “‘Hello. My name is Wendel and I may be a sociopath.’ I feel no real empathy even for heart-wrenching problems like: ‘My boyfriend is so cheap he only bought me a used Lexus.’”

• “From my line of ‘SmartAleckSloan T-shirts’: “My Party — Re-warming Chestnuts Since 1950.”

• “You can’t judge a book by its lovers.”

• “I was a hero when I put out a fire at an apartment complex. The only caveat potentially tainting my heroism is I caused it.”

• “While wearing my two-piece brokini, the lifeguard kicked me out of the gene pool and said he’d seen bigger breasts in a bucket of chicken.”

• “My insurance agent said he knew me too well to insure my house against ‘Acts of God.’”

• “On Christmas Eve I’m hanging out with Santa because he knows where all the naughty girls live.”

• “On the strength of our epic six-minute debut single, “20 Years Since I’ve Seen You,” The High Plains Hippies were headed for stardom. However, we quickly unraveled over drug issues. We all had our favorites: Metamucil, Cialis, Centrum Silver, Prune Juice.”

• “Although the drinking age was 21, 16-year-old Debbie was considered legal for rolling doobies.”

• “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife — unless thou hast seen her in their hot-tub.”

• “Bootlegging taught me the value of an honest dollar — Two dollars for wine.”

• “I knew I was home when I spotted a gentleman wearing a ‘Save the Country: Spay or Neuter a Democrat’ T-shirt.”

• “I am running for dual mayor of Clovis and Portales. If a few dinars get dropped into my kitty, I might even meow until a Muslim gives the invocation at a greased-pig race at the county fair."

• “‘Mayor Sloan’ has a nice cash-register ring. Pushing forward with my hand in your back pocket, we’ll soon have the High Plains booming as we build several bridges between Clovis and Portales — even if a river doesn’t run through it.”

• ‘“Just give me six months (before the authorities do) and I’ll be hauling my aspirations south in a U-Haul with a ‘South Padre Before I Get Busted’ bumper sticker.”

• “My preferred obituary: ‘After holding a blender too near his pacemaker last night at a Jimmy Buffett concert, Wendel Sloan, 120, passed out permanently.’”

Part 3 — reflections on life Wendel Sloan has written is coming next Sunday.

Contact Wendel Sloan at:

[email protected]