Big plans for small communities

Unprecedented, and possibly illegal, I’m running as a write-in candidate for mayor of Clovis and Portales.

I live in Portales, but have spent enough time at Clovis golf courses, Jeff Naggs’ dental office and Webb’s Watering Hole for dual citizenship.

I will debate myself on my dual-hamlet stimulus plans anytime, anywhere.

With a horse-drawn carriage sloshing through city streets after a rare rain, we will market Portales as “The Venice of the High Plains.”

Thanks to Greene Acres Lake’s gale-force winds, we will promote Clovis as “The Wind-Surfing Capital of Towns with Tiny Lakes.”

We will brand the two boondocks as “The Waterworld Corridor for Those Who Can’t Afford Ute Lake.”

As dual mayor, I will ramrod inter-town trades that should make at least 51 percent of voters hesitant to recall me.

Clovis will swap Wendy’s, KFC and Long John Silver’s for Cattle Baron.

Portales will exchange 17 churches for Kelley’s Bar and Grill.

Clovis will trade the Norman Petty Studio for a mammoth tusk and Doug’s Garage.

Portales will transfer one passing quarterback to Clovis for three linemen.

Clovis Community College will join the Lone Star Conference and schedule ENMU for homecoming.

The railroad will designate one cattle car for medium-speed rail service between the burgs for anyone agile enough to hop aboard.

We will merge and rename the two whistlestops “Cannon’s Bedrooms.”

Our marketing slogan will be “At Least Stop for Goobers or Gas.”

Please spell “Wendel” correctly.