These gifts not on shopping list

Black Friday is now upon us, which means my bank account will soon be drained as I make purchases of cheap books, video games, DVDs and clothing. Next comes the challenging part, when I actually start buying things for other people this Christmas.

With the holidays in mind, and the knowledge that money just can’t buy the best things, the following is my shopping wish list of things money can’t buy, for people who could use them.

To my friends with cell phones and unlimited texting: May you have the decency to call somebody for the holidays every so often, and not send a text message. It’s like saying, “I care about you, but only enough for 15 seconds of effort ... the same effort that will be used on everybody in my phone book.”

To Google: May you please find a way that I may use your new communications device, Google Wave. I have an account, thanks to an invite from a local friend, but I feel like a dog who’s been given a xylophone. (Also, if you’re in Clovis, get in touch with me. I have invites to give.)

To fans of Sarah Palin: May you have a safe trip to Roswell for Palin’s book signing of “Going Rogue,” and may the signing be handled better than the signing in Indiana. Blame the bookstore, blame Palin, blame whoever you want — but have confidence that Palin and her team have enough political acumen to avoid a repeat of fans being left empty-handed and second-guessing their political support.

To military families in Clovis, Portales or anywhere: May those training here and/or fighting overseas be safe, complete their missions and make us proud as Americans.

To all high school football teams playing the next two weeks, and basketball teams playing the next four months: May you avoid every possible injury. While coming back from an injury is character-building, sports are a lot more fun for athletes, and their fans, when things don’t hurt and surgery’s not involved. I haven’t seen many players blow out a knee in front of me, but I’ve seen too many times already.

To Dana Perino, former press secretary for President George W. Bush: May you either have a better memory, or a better ability to display that memory when you speak. Perino, on Fox News earlier this week, said the Fort Hood shooting was a failure of President Obama’s leadership, and that no terrorist attacks occurred during President Bush’s term. So, either she forgot Sept. 11, 2001, or she meant Bush’s second term, or she meant the first President Bush.

To the New York Knicks: May you gain the wisdom to know that LeBron James wants to play for a championship, and would never, ever, not in a million years, sign with a team that hasn’t had a winning season since he was a high school sophomore, and that you use the money you’ve been saving up for him to instead build a team stars would want to play for.