Being ugly carries certain benefits

In “The Benefits of Being Ugly,” Joe Carter wrote: “Ugly people are the majority … appreciated for their personality … and funnier. Ugly is inevitable. If we live long enough we all eventually get ugly. Some of us fortunate ones just get there first and have time to get used to it.”

I am one of the fortunate ones.

In junior high school choir we sang:

“I know how ugly I are,

“I know how ugly I are,

“But my face I don’t mind it

“‘Cause I’m the one behind it;

“It’s the one in the front who gets the jar.”

I didn’t take it personally — until the teacher asked me to sing solo. If not for other experiences, I’d have thought she was impressed with my voice.

When I was born, the doctor reported my parents for importing an endangered species.

At 5, my parents told me I didn’t need a Halloween costume. When I asked why, they patted me and said I was born perfect.

At 7, I was running with my dog and the dogcatcher netted me.

At 9, I visited a haunted house, and they paid me.

At 11, Mother took us seven kids to a park, and an officer ticketed her for me not being on a leash.

A neighbor asked my mother if she loved all her kids equally. Mother said yes, and the neighbor asked, “Even the one you got fined for?”

Mother took her other kids to a doctor, and me to a vet.

When I asked my dad if he was proud of me, he said, “Of course, I even keep your photo in my wallet.” When I searched his wallet that night, the only picture was the red-headed kid that came with the wallet.

Our sophomore class took a field trip to Ripley’s Believe It or Not. As we were leaving, my teacher was accused of stealing me from the exhibit.

Our junior class went to the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York, and I won Best in Show.

When we took a senior class photo, the photographer handed me the camera and got in the picture.

Adobe gave me a discount for inspiring Photoshop.

When I tried to buy a selfie stick at Best Buy, a Geek Squad member said he couldn’t do that to me.

A college friend and I went to a Christian campus house for free hot dogs, and the minister called me two-faced. My friend defended me with, “Do you really think if he had two he’d wear that one?”

Last week I visited Steve Blakeley in Portales, and a neighbor asked him where he got that “charming hairless terrier.”

This week I visited Mental Health Resources in Clovis to understand if I had just imagined these experiences. The psychiatrist told me to be a good boy and lie down on the couch — face down.

Contact Wendel Sloan at: [email protected]